In an attempt to catch up...this phrase sums up the recent events of my life,
"Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief."
July 21 Autumn was born at only 34 weeks. This is the baby we planned to adopt. I say planned...because after many anxious weeks and stressful anticipation, we are not getting the baby afterall. The birth father showed up the day of delivery and is seeking custody. The tender mercy was that after she was released from the NICU, I was able to have her for one night before I had to give her back. It was a special night. I was able to sing to her and snuggle and love her and tell her how much I wanted her and how heartbroken we are. I prayed all night and couldn't fall asleep knowing that this could possible be my only night with her. But in the end, we have to step back now that the father, being a minor, is pursuing custody. Not only does he have a chance at custody but every last living relative will be sought out before the baby can be placed for adoption. I have cried and prayed and cried some more. I am literally surprised how devastated I feel not getting this baby. I feel guilty wanting more after I have 5 of my own. But losing her feels like losing one of my own. I am grieving and going through all those feelings. It is hard, but I know that God must really love me, because I am really feeling the heat of His refining fire. I keep leaning on my faith that I know there is a plan and a reason to every heartbreak and disappointment we suffer. Even though I know God loves me and is involved in the details of my life, I still feel so inadequate in my faith. "Help thou mine unbelief." What we proclaim to believe isn't always how we react when life hands us lemons. I feel I have aged more this past summer than the past 10 years combined as my faith has been put to the test as never before.
I keep telling myself, "I can do hard things!" And thinking of 2 Nephi 31:20 "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men..."
So here I am, just like everyone, pressing forward, enduring trails, and praying to have peace amidst life's storms. I have felt my heart stretch and my capacity to love increase. Most importantly, I have felt God's comfort to sustain me and help me heal.
